I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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