i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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