My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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