Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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