i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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