At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
