Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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