I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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