at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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