I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
40s are totally the cure
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
