The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
