Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
