Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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