I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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