I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
