So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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