I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just pynch a tree in the face
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
