I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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