Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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