I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
