Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
