we made out on top of his cat.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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