There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
