Do you still have your period?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
