I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
