sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
