Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
