good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
