I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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