If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
