i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So many bounce houses so little time
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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