I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
