mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
