3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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