At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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