You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
