My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
