everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
