I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
