sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
