when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
