And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
