so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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