I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
