Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
