Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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