I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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