Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
