What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
