I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize