Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She's not a foreskin expert like you
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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