O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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