Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
