We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
