I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
