There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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