Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
