Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
