and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
