I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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