In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
